Fifty Shades of NO

Here are just 10 things I hate about the Fifty Shades Trilogy. Yes it’s only entertainment and yes Jamie Dornan is super hot but the book itself is just too stupid to countenance. Fifty Shades of I CAN’T. I’m so tired of the Fifty Shades media saturation and product placement.  If you are also, read on!

  1. The characters. Are we meant to like Ana and Christian? She is an intolerable whiner who spends all her time moaning that she’s not conventionally attractive like Kate. Look Ana, we can’t all be Kate. Shut up. Christian comes across as a narcissistic stalker. There’s nothing wrong with Jamie Dornan but there’s a hell of a lot wrong with Christian Grey.

  1. The mismatched partners. Are we really meant to believe that a rich successful handsome guy wants a “plain” naive young student with low-self esteem like Ana?? She can barely string a sentence together. Normally she wouldn’t even get into his office and he’d be content with one of the hot blonde secretaries.

  1. The sex. Really Ana has never even kissed someone before ?! But can have mind-blowing sex with her first ever partner no problem…well there’s works of fiction and there’s this. Prior to her meeting with Christian Grey, Ana shows about as much interest in sex as a twig.

  1. The poor Ana woe-is me diatribe. We are supposed to believe that poor Ana is so unattractive, awkward and sexually inexperienced yet by chapter two she’s already been propositioned twice. Sounds like she has a few options.

  1. The incessant repeating of the colour of Christian Grey’s irises. No I didn’t catch what colour his eyes were E.L. James, you tell me again and again and again thanks.

           6. If Christian Grey is so hot, why aren’t there more women after him? I’m sure Ana isn’t the only girl                who finds him so devastatingly attractive…surely he’d be spanking a few more girls if he is indeed                   the world’s most beautiful sexual sadist.

  1. Oooh sex, a book with sex. There are other books with sexual content and also a decent storyline out there. It’s not the first book ever published with sexual content. We’ve moved beyond the era of banned books. Fifty Shades wasn’t written to be a great literary work so please don’t interpret it that way. It’s based on Twilight fan fiction. Yes. Twilight. Sparkly vampires. Erotic.Photo-Jul-07-10-03-03-AM

  1. The stalker/grooming predator element. Now this is the part of the book that is most disturbing, not the BDSM. Whatever they want to do in an adult consensual relationship is fine. But Christian Grey is showing up at Ana’s workplace, her flat, tracing her to a bar via her phone GPS and yet no alarm bells are ringing. I’m surprised he hasn’t added her on Facebook yet. Two words. Restraining. Order. And find someone else who doesn’t have stalker tendencies to have sex with. Christ almighty.

  1. A blow by blow account of what Ana’s “Inner Goddess” is doing. “My Inner Goddess don’t want none.”

          10.“Laters baby”. Bleughhh…excuse me while I vomit. LATERS.

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